Don't Fight ME!!

I've never had a toddler before, other than for the past 18 months, so perhaps this is how it always goes... but, these days, EVERYTHING is a contest of wills. K and I can't do the simplest and, presumably, most enjoyable of things without it turning into some kind of struggle.

The other day, I was hoping to make some Halloween sugar cookies with her. I got all the ingredients ready, put on my apron, and then went to put one on her that had been given to us by our neighbor Karen. Karen's aunt had made it for her when she was a little girl, and it's just K-sized, with a pretty pink "K" on the front. You'd have thought I just shackeld K to a stone and was preparing to toss her off a bridge. How DARE I commit such an indignity against her! How horrible that I would constrain her! How utterly unthinkable that I would burden her with such a garment. She went BALLISTIC. Oh what fun it is to ride...

Needless to say, I mixed the batter myself, without the aid of my belligerent elf.

I was thinking yesterday about the things that cause conflict and struggle with K -- Diaper changes, clothing changes, pajamas on, pajamas off, getting out of the bath, getting hair dried sitting down, being carried upstairs for any reason, being stopped from slopping water over everything in the bathroom, putting shoes on while sitting on my lap -- vs. being able to sit on the step exactly where she wants to sit, sitting in her booster seat at the tabe vs. sitting in the "big chair," being stopped from climbing all over the couch arm, being stopped from pouring whatever is in her cups into whatever she wants to pour it on, coming in the house, getting into the car, getting out of the car, not getting a cheese stick the minute she asks, not getting to pour/hold/do something for herself, having to use a fork when she wants a spoon or vise versa. Obviously, I could go on and on. If she wants to do it and isn't getting to do it, you are going to get attitude. If she doesn't want to do it and you want or need her to do it, you are going to get attitude.

Of all the things that go on in the day, the ONE SINGLE THING about which I never get a fight is K going into the bathtub. It's the ONE sure-fire activity of peace. Of course, on either side of it, there's a struggle -- to get clothes off, to get out of the bath when it's done, and to complete the cleansing/bedtime routine. Then there will be the fight of how many books get read. You get the picture.

Of all of these fights, the ones that scare me the most are the ones that take place when I'm bringing her upstairs. She's so vehement and so strong that, when she fights as I struggle to maintain my balance, I have to use every ounce of energy to stabilize us and get to the top. It was because of this death-defying drama that I first said to her "Don't Fight Me!" I've told her a hundred times that the steps are dangerous, that they're no place to play, and they are definitely not a place for her to fight against me. It's a lesson I reiterate daily, sometimes multiple times. Sometimes she gets it, other times, not so much. "Don't Fight Me!" is my frustrated battle cry, my flag of waning energy and my veritable plea. It's also my way of saying, "I am the Mom. I will be victorious here."

So, it should have come as no surprise to me -- knowing K's mind and her self-view -- when, in the midst of one of our diapering battles, she exasperatedly yelled at ME, "Don't FIGHT me, Mommy! Don't FIGHT me!" To her, I was undermining her autonomy. Nevermind the fact that it should rankle her to marinade in her own excrement, I was taking control of her, and she'd had enough. I explained to her that, when I am doing something for her, I am being her Mommy, and she is not to fight Me. I'd like to think she grasped the difference, but I know better.